Thoughtful Mornings

Lately, I've been reading a lot of books. I've always loved reading, but I haven't lately because when I read, it means I don't do anything else. I barely sleep, I forget to eat, I don't go out to run the errands I had planned. Everything around me freezes until I have finished the book and can finally put it down. Even books that are by no means spectacular, grasp me in such a way that I find myself at a loss of where the entire day went. The books I just read were: First Person Plural- Andrew W.M. Beirele, House Rules- Jodi Picoult, and A Secret Kept- Tatiana De Rosnay. They were all pretty good books. None of them replacing my favourite book by any means. I think what I love most about reading is that you get completely absorbed in the characters, the plot, the setting. You empathize with those characters. You develop a deep understanding of them. The same goes for the more villainous characters within the novel. You want them to change, or pay for what they've done. Some characters get under your skin and you want to smack them. Others, you cry for. I don't believe that I can read a book, without developing an attachment to them. Some characters and stories I still think about, even though I read the books they lived in long, long ago.

This morning I mostly feel... Thoughtful. I'm sitting at the kitchen table with some hot tea, gazing out the window and writing this. There's a lot that has been bouncing around in my head lately. The future, the past, myself, family, friends, strangers, life and death.

I've been thinking a lot about suicide lately. NOT about me committing suicide! I love life much too much, but just that people do. I can't imagine getting to a point in my life where that would seem like the only answer to your problems. The only solution you can see. I can't imagine getting to a point where I would actually believe that nobody cared for me. I can't even imagine it. I don't understand why people would think that death is the easiest way out. Or that anyone could be so selfish as to not think of the ones that they would be hurting. Their family, their friends. What made me start to think about this, is that last week, two separate friends, told me of two separate people that had committed suicide last week. One was a Father. The other was a younger brother. The book I read yesterday had two suicides within it's pages as well. I have no idea what I would do if either of my dad's killed themselves. Never mind my little sister. What would you do? I would feel guilty that I hadn't made them happy enough to choose life.  And then I would hate them for making me feel guilty about their choice. No matter how alone you feel or desperate you are, I don't believe death is ever the answer. It's a cowardice choice. There is always a way out. There is always another solution. Life is short enough as it is. Why would you end it on purpose before you truly lived it. Why wouldn't you think of the other people around you? As much as life can be hard, I believe that there are amazing moments thrown in so that you can get through the hard times.

Today I should clean and look for a new job. Maybe pick up a new book... I'm thinking Gone With The Wind. I should start that after I actually get something accomplished though. I should also get some drawing done. I want to make something to give to my Great Aunt. She doesn't have much time left, after she suffered from a brain bleed about a month ago. It's been hard on my mom. Really hard. Hard to see the person we all knew literally disappear before our eyes. Her desire to live, and her love of life has gone. She's been drained of that spark within her that we all saw and loved. It's hard to see that. When it comes my time to die, I want the people closest to me to still see me as me. To know that I love all of them. I want to smile everyday. Right up to my dying day.

Rain Rehabilitates

The rain has been falling on the city for about a week straight. I am loving it. Rain refreshes. It rehabilitates. It's rehabilitated me. It's reminded me that the brown grass will always turn green again. The flowers will bloom. What was dead becomes alive again. It's so refreshing. It calms me down and gives me a happy outlook for the future. I am happy. I am excited for whatever the future throws my way. I'm stoked to be along for the ride. I've been lost in thoughts and have found myself rejoicing in solitude lately. It's nice, and has allowed me to break out on my own easily. I have learned that I am not afraid to live on my own, to take care of myself, and to take care of a home of my own. I'm excited to live on my own actually. Really excited. I want to move away after I graduate and just start a completely new life completely of my own. I've got my eyes set on Vancouver or the East Coast. Not to run away, just to start a new chapter of my life. To do whatever I want to do. To never feel stuck, and to be happy. Always do things that make me happy. Right now what makes me happy is to be single, free, and dreaming. 

This past weekend I went on a little road trip with a few close girl friends out to Invermere, BC. My Dad has a trailer out on a lake near there, so we camped out there for the weekend and visited our friend. It was so much fun. The weather was beautiful and we spent the weekend in our bikini's soaking up the blessed sunshine. It was a delicious taste of summer, and relaxing. I spent 3 hours just laying on the dock  remembering and appreciating how good life is. I have so many amazing friends and I live in an absolutely amazing country. It's beautiful. Sometimes you just have to take some time to appreciate life. Appreciate all that you have, and all that you can do. 

I have also started my spring photography course. It's so interesting. I am finally learning how to use my camera properly. Some of the concepts take a while to understand and master, but overall I love the course and I love what I have been able to create by using the tools I've learned. I also visited the Yousuf Karsh exhibit at the Glenbow Museum and loved it. What an amazing photographer. Such stunning work, I could sit in there for hours.

Rainy Day Playlist:

1. Let It Rain- Ok Go

2. Carolina- M.Ward

3. Love Letter- Lisa Mitchell

4. No More Rain- Conner Shaw

5. Dead and Done- Bobby Long

6. Say Yes- Elliot Smith

7. First Day of My Life- Bright Eyes

8. Calgary- Bon Iver

9. Shadow People- Dr. Dog

10. Ladder Song- Bright Eyes

11. The Rain- Swell Season

12. Flume- Bon Iver

Happy Days

Today is a wonderful day. The sun is beating warmth and light down on us. The neighbours have been on the patio all day. It is gorgeous. I am so stoked for summer. I've been spring cleaning all day playing some of my summer mixtapes and dancing around. The laundry is out on the line drying in the sun and I have opened every single window in the house to let the warm air in. I am so happy today.

Such a good day. Smiles are headed my way :)

Summer Mixtape:

1. Seven Nation Army- L'Oncle Soul

2. Tighten Up- Hoodie Allen

3. Heart It Races- Dr. Dog

4. Fake Drugs- Hollerado

5. Let's Go Surfing- The Drums

6. Where I'm Going- Cut Copy

7. 40 Day Dream- Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

8. Memory Boy- Deer Hunter

9. Mr. Blue Sky- ELO

10. It's Summertime- The Flaming Lips

11. For The Girl- The Fratellis

12. Faces in The Dark- The Generationals

13. Wildlife Sculpture- The Generationals

14. Pumped Up Kicks- Foster The People

15. Let's Rumble Baby- John Chopper Harris

16. Your Little Hoodrat Friend- The Hold Steady

17. Do The Doot Da Doot Do- Hollerado

18. Naked Kids- Grouplove

19. Ivy & Gold- Bombay Bicycle Club

20. Where'd All The Time Go- Dr. Dog

21. What A Day For A Daydream- The Lovin' Spoonful

The Darkness is Filled with Emptiness

I'm trying really really really hard to stay positive and distracted and happy. When the night comes it becomes impossible. No matter how exhausted or tired I am I cannot fall asleep. The emptiness of the night terrorizes me. Insomnia for the brokenhearted.

Afternoon Tea

Today I invited a few friends over for a Tea Party. It was lovely. I made the most adorable peanut butter and jam sandwiches, They were my pride and joy. It's been pretty drizzily all day, hopefully Mother Nature decides to spare us tonight, because I am going over to Alyssa and Ginnelle's house for a fire with all the girls. She's leaving for Radium next week so we're having a going away party for her.

Having a tea party today just made me want to move out so bad. SO BAD. Not the paying rent or a mortgage part... But the having my own place, my own kitchen, living room ect to set everything out and decorate and clean. Something that's just mine. Living with my Dad lets me live that dream a little bit, without having to pay the rent. I clean the house, and it's pretty much like living with a room mate. I'm still partly living out of a suitcase though. Since my work is in Airdrie, and I just end up staying at my Mom's house. I start school again on Wednesday though. So we will see how everything works out. Alyssa and Ginnelle's parents just bought a condo on the west side of Airdrie, They're going to rent it out for a couple years, and then Alyssa, Ginnelle and I will probably move into it after Ginnelle and I are finished school and can afford it. I wish it was in Calgary rather than Airdrie, but it probably won't be so bad being close to home when I start out on my own. At least for a year or two.

I just finished making some mixtapes for Ginnelle and Amanda. They are pretty, pretty good. If I do say so myself.

Stay Strong, Move Along

It's hard. Love is hard. Moving on is hard. It's hard to lose your best friend. It's hard to act like you're fine and dandy. It's hard to not wallow in self pity. It's hard not to cry when you see him. It's especially hard to see him more happy with someone else. It's hard to face the fact that I'm gone. That he doesn't want me anymore. I know I chose this. I had to. And I don't regret my choice for a second. When a relationship isn't good anymore, and when truth falters, you need to move on. Some things aren't meant to last. I always knew that. But it doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye. It doesn't make it any easier to let go, and move on, walk away from love and make yourself happy again.

This is what I need to do though. Make myself happy. Love myself again. Meet new people.  Make new friends. Make new memories. I don't want to rush into anything new. I want to be with myself. And do the things that I love to do. I want to laugh lots, I want to enjoy my own company. Have a drink by myself. I don't want to be concerned about what anyone else thinks of me. I have my own hobbies. My own interests. Now is the time to enrich my life with me time.

I am finally finished my second year of University. I am taking a spring photography course that will get me outside seeing the world differently. Life through a lens is different. I love it. I can share beauty with others through a single picture. After that, It's freedom for the summer. Working to pay for school next year, and enjoying life as it comes. Maybe going on a road trip or two in my new Cherokee. Camping, hikes, picnics, music festivals, tea parties, scrabble games, dancing, and exploring. The scent of summer awaits. Raiding antique stores and doing some home renovation. I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to spending my summer with friends and with myself. Capturing all of the summer goodness and optimism.

I've been trying really hard to stay optimistic. To stay calm. To stay distracted. Sometimes it's easy to do. Other times it's not. But I do not want to sink into a pit of unhappiness. A girl who can only be happy with a boy is a stupid one. And I am not stupid.

Oh Woe, For The Loss Of Love

Heartbreak does not happen in one swift movement. It's a long torturous gruesome process. Spanned out across many many tearful nights. 

Good Vibes.

Happiness. Time to Cheer up and remember that everything will be okay.

Listen to this. And remember to smile.

I Hope Your Heart Is Good and Strong.

2011 so far... has been difficult. Rough times in Love, Work, Time, and School. I have essays, and midterms and final projects looming over me. I'm in a daze that I can't seem to get out of. Lately i've been feeling like a zombie. Just walking through the halls but not seeing or feeling anything. I'm detached and unfeeling. I need to break out of it. 

Right now I am sitting cozily on a big comfy couch in the Art Building studying for my Art history Midterm next week. I have Apple Cinnamon tea and snacks to sustain me and the new Rural Alberta Advantage CD to get me through this Friday four hour break. I don't mind it though. It's complete me time. which, I've had a lot of lately. I've been enjoying it. These past few months have included a great number of 'Calm your nerves and forget about everyone else bubble baths'. and a lot of tuning out the world and listening to your iPod days. Everyone needs those days.

Yesterday I spent the day doing laundry. I had heaping mountain height piles of it in my room. While doing that, and just some general house cleaning around my Dad's house, I dug through his closet and found the most wonderfully hideous, coziest wool sweaters. I borrowed them and have now added them to my wardrobe. I don't think he would mind, since they had a thick layer of dust on the shoulders from being hung in the back of the closet so long.

The weather here is always trying to trick us I believe. Chinooks are the trickster coyote of the weather. 

Yesterday was beautiful, today I woke up again to -16. It is sunny out today. Which brightens my mood tremendously. The sun rays and The Rural Alberta Advantage are my smiles. 

"Two lovers stuck in a sweet embrace,

Hoping you will never move or change"

"And if I ever get to hold you again,

I'll hold you tight enough to crush your veins

I hope your heart is good and strong,

If you find yourself in my arms"

The Unwanted End.

I hate this. I love you and I miss you so much. I listen to your serenades you sent me before I can sleep. I just can't be with you when you're still so connected with her too. I don't want to not be able to trust you. I'm sorry. I still love you.

The History of Objects

The other day I went to the Antique Mall, one of my absolute favourite places to be. I ended up getting a tea cup (to add to my growing collection) as well as these cute love bird clip on dangly earrings. I love them, They're adorable. Anyways, I started to look around my room, and see all of the other old treasures that I've collected, and now hold dear to my heart, not only do I have tea cups wandering around my room, but i also have a fair little collection of records, and black and white photographs framed of strangers. I have old books and tins and jewellery. I really am a lover of old things. So I started  to think about why I love all these things, and I have decided, that for one, my mother has instilled this love within me from all of the years of pulling off to the side of the road to go look around the small antique shop or barn that she spotted. Every road trip included an antique store stop. the other reason i like these things, is that I like that they all have a history. I like the idea that my most treasured belongings, were once somebody else's treasures, and someday, they will be somebody else's treasures. These objects get passed along through their lifetime. Sometimes they sit upon shelves in stores, sometimes they sit upon shelves in people's cozy homes. They have a life of their own. They each have stories of their own. I have a picture framed of an old man from the 1930's. I love this picture. Lots of people think I'm a kook for having this picture of some strange old man, but I love it. I think he looks interesting, I think he looks like he has bundles of memories and stories that he's just dying to tell someone. He looks quirky. And for those reasons, he is framed, above my bed, I have named him Frank. He looks like a Frank. A Frank with millions of stories lurking behind his eyes. 

Fast Approaching.

So. The holidays are quickly ending, and that means... School. I am not ready for it. At all. Still finishing up homework from last semester that I didn't do because of Mono. I am the worlds worst procrastinator.

Things I have to do before school starts:
1. Finish Homework. (Drama project, Anatomical Drawing projects)
2. Get textbooks and UPass
3. Clean out my car (it's a disaster)
4. Figure out my work/ school schedule

Year 2. Semester 2. We'll see how it goes.